A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. Technically, they are not procuring waste. On the contrary, they are really discharging waste. Sometimes, you have to look beyond the literal sense of an expression. Take for example, fat-free milk. Do not be confused. The fat does not come free with the milk. In fact, there is no fat with the milk. The correct expression would be free-of-fat milk. But the former rolls off the tongue better.
The bear then turns to the rabbit and asks, “ Do you have problems with crap stuck to your fur?” In case you are wondering, no, bears do not actually talk. We are taking liberties with anthropomorphism here. That’s an-thro-po-mor-phi-sm. It helps when you say it out aloud. That (anthropomorphism) is, the attributing of human shape or characteristics to a god, animal, or inanimate thing. The human characteristic in question is human speech, attributed to our animal, the bear. Ditto for the rabbit, who turns and replies the bear, “nope.”
The bear smiles, picks the rabbit up and proceeds to wipe his ass with the rabbit. Without opposable thumbs, you may ask, how does a bear pick a rabbit up? Claws. Measuring ten inches in length and an inch wide at the end. He jabs them through the ears, where it does not bleed. Otherwise, it is just a bigger, bloody mess. Oh, come on. It’s just a rabbit. What do you mean? Bears kill rabbits all the time. What do you mean when was the last time I was in the woods? Great, you make animals talk and wipe their ass, and now all of a sudden they are one of us. Oh, that poor little thing. Tell me, and be honest, would you still feel the same if it were a roach and a rat? No, really. How is that different? Oh, come on. Right. Right. Sure. Whatever.
***
When I first started picking up the bass, a bunch of my friends would often meet at someone’s place and play, not rehearse. These were very casual affairs. We weren’t in a band. We weren’t looking to be signed. It was all very non-committal. Someone would play a song and the rest would join in once they have figured the chords. And very often, if we were lucky, the result would sound something like this.
question actually: have you submitted this to mcsweeney's? (and what hap to the sidekick one?)
Posted by: vee | 16 June 2005 at 20:08
Still working on Barney actually. It’s not as funny as the rest. Why do they always want more, more, more?
Posted by: J | 19 June 2005 at 23:09
If you want do delete your site from our spam bases - just email us with domain of your site:
abuse-here@inbox.ru
thank you!
Posted by: Alexxtu | 03 October 2007 at 09:51